I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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