That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
