Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
