bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
