On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
