I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize