trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
