I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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