That's intense
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
