His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
