what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
