God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Randomize
