He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
