I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
