So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
