Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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