i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize