peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
