I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
