I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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