pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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