so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
