I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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