I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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