Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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