Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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