Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
