I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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