Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
