My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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