apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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