Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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