saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
