can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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