i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
