were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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