This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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