i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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