In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
