Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
