I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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