woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
