It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
