Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
