So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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