the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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