Plan B is the new Plan A
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Never let your siblings swipe right.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
