Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
