it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
