i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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