ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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