When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
