I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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