sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
