i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
