I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
