Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
